Life can be a mystery; you never know where your path is leading you. In life you have to make difficult decisions, sometimes this can feel like a great choice; or a great challenge. Depending on who you are as an individual, your choices can be influenced by many things. However, once the decision has been made you then are faced with the consequences.
The Pressures of Divorce/Separation
Should I get a Married?
Some big life choices can include marriage – when you love someone and have a strong connection with them, you want to move forward with each other, get married and maybe have a family. However, you do this not knowing how long you two will be able to remain a team. That’s quite the commitment! Marriage can be a wonderful event between two people whose lives are willingly intertwined. However, with marriage comes a lot of obstacles such as worklife, social life and family life. These are natural choices and challenges and can cause a strain to your marriage.
How common is Divorce?
Often the first thought that comes into your head when getting married is
“I can’t imagine being with anyone else”. This sometimes is true where the marriage lasts ‘till death do they part’ however, the UK divorce rate is estimated at 42% with over 100,000 British couples getting a divorce in 2019. There are so many reasons why your marriage may end in divorce or separation. Some marriages may not even last a year and there’s several reasons for that. One reason could be that your spouse has found someone else (or two). Maybe you have recognised you are in a toxic relationship and once you got married the veil was lifted and you started to see your spouses true colors.
Should I separate from my partner?
Depending on the situation, you may no longer feel like you can remain together. The majority of relationships that face challenges that cannot be resolved, end up in divorced and they separate. But no one actually tells you the pressure and cost of separating from a partner. For many it’s the fear and the unknown of this that actually keeps people together. Not love and determination but fear of isolation. You both have difficult decisions to make when you are separating and getting divorced from each other. Both of you can express these feelings in a different way from one another.
How do I prepare for a Divorce?
The decision you are making probably isn’t one you anticipated making on the day you said ‘I do’. It feels wrong to make a plan ‘just in case things don’t work out’. It feels like a bad omen to even allow your thoughts to lean that way. It may even feel like it is tainting the whirlwind of romance. But when you do separate you have some very difficult decisions to make. How do we split things?; Who gets the sofa?; Who gets the House?; where do I live in the interim?. This can cause so much strain and pressure. Not only are you feeling pain but the person you perhaps once turned on for support, is now the source of your distress. You’re dealing with grief and loss but perhaps anger and frustration. There are so many conflicting emotions happening all at once, clouding your mind, your judgment, making it even more difficult to make those important decisions.
Will my Divorce affect my children?
Not only does the separation affect the parents but it also can have a big impact on their children’s life, they are so used to having mother and father together now they would have to all start a new routine. This change is not the best when you’re trying to overcome your own heartbreak let alone worrying about your children’s emotions too. So often people wonder if they can cope on their own after being a team for so long. Just because you are no longer a team doesn’t mean you wont cope on your own. Just like when you got married you had to make adjustments and changes to your life it will be the same again. Making sure you have support around you is one of the most significant things when navigating divorce and separation.
How do I know if my Divorce is causing me stress?
Your resilience has been challenged. You are emerging from a relationship with some form of change, whether that’s more self-awareness, a new start, grief or even relocating or moving house. Divorce and separation can affect people in many ways.
Your experiences of worry, apprehension, anxiety and depression are a normal reaction to, what our brain perceives as, threat. Yes, the separation or divorce is perceived by our brains as a life threatening change. The threat of isolation, financial despair, judgment, rejection, the list goes on. When we don’t feel safe it is expected that adrenaline kicks in, cortisol rises (unhappy body chemicals) and the loss of social connection causes our oxytocin and serotonin to lower (happy body chemicals). This in turn has had an impact on our general wellbeing, i.e., sleeplessness; indigestion; grinding teeth; irritability and even our immune system. Whether we label it or not, your brain and body are responding in a way that is proportionate to your experience. Except what happens when that chapter is coming to a close but you’re still feeling this way?
This is again normal, but sometimes our brains and bodies need a reminder to reinforce that we are once again, safe. Avoiding these fears and experiences will not resolve the problem. Trying to get back to normality for many people will help to some extent, normal routine, familiar faces, sense of purpose, it all contributes.
If you are struggling, then please give us a call and speak with one of our team to get some advice and support.
Below in this blog I have included some links and resources which may help you understand more of what you’re going through and if you do choose to have professional help these resources explain what they do and how they may benefit you.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/getting-a-divorce
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling